Jack and the Cow
by KenshinX
Summary: A young man's journey on a quest to find a girl, and fight an evil monkey.
1. Default Chapter

Jack and the Cow  
  
I'm bored. So I decide to do a fan fic. I tell myself this won't work out well...I ignore that voice. And thus the magical story of a boy and his cow (and maybe the other characters in harvest moon) is created. Feedback would be appreciated. Read on if you are willing.  
  
Enter Jack, we all know him, we all love him. Jack is like your favorite next door neighbor. Jack is kind. Jack wears hats. You see my point.  
  
Jack just moved in to his grandfather's farm. He's anxious to begin work, but worried about the village excepting him. So therefore Jack engages upon a quest. Not the normal kind of quest involving dragons and XP and such, no Jack's quest is more refined.  
  
Jack's quest is to get a woman. And not just any women! Oh no, Jack must have the one he likes best! He hasn't really met any of them yet though...So forms the beginning of side quest one! To meet the girls!  
  
Jack: Screw the farm-work, stupid weeds ****ing re-grow anyway! TO THE BAT CAVE...or sprite cave...wait they don't have a cave in this one...TO MY HOUSE!  
  
Unfortunately Jack finds no women in his house. He is puzzled. What ever will he do next?!  
  
Chapter I  
  
Ann finished her morning walk and returned to the Inn. It had been awhile since she had seen Cliff around. She was starting to wonder what happened to him. Her father saw her as she started up the stairs to begin the Inn's cleaning.  
  
Doug: Ann, where have you been?!  
  
Ann: Dad why do you sound so alarmed? I was out jogging through the mountains like I do every day! (after day after day after day)  
  
Doug: You mean you haven't heard?!  
  
Ann: Heard what?  
  
Panic creeps into her voice. She can tell by her father's tone that something serious has happened. She had a terrible feeling that this wasn't going to be good news...  
  
Chapter II Doug: Its Jack...Wait hold on who the hell is Jack? We don't know a Jack! That crazy mayor said a boy named Jack was sick.  
  
Back at Jack's farm...  
  
Jack: wooooo too much wineseee fo meee *hic*  
  
Mayor: Jack please get up I havta finish the tour of the village! And please stop throwing up on my shoes.  
  
Jack: No dat's okiee Mista Mayor, I no go passst dat winneeee place anywho. Thattt a village enuff fo mee!  
  
Mayor: Oh snap out of it you drunk! (mayor's heart rate secretly loses 10 points...GASP)  
  
Jack: Ok I'm ready I'm ready let's see this village. *thinking to himself* This might be a good way to meet the local girls...  
  
2 hours later the mayor concludes his tour. Amazing how anyone could talk about such a small village for over two hours...anyway.  
  
Jack: Time to get down to work finally...Chop chop, dig dig, chop chop, dig dig, wow I could do this allllll day! But wait! I should meet the villagers!  
  
So Jack travels off in the direction of the inn ladida.  
  
  
  
Chapter III  
  
Jack: hmm I remember this place, the vineyard yay! Maybe there will be some hot drunk chicks...  
  
Jack enters the wine shop and is greeted by duke.  
  
Duke: Hey budday! I'm Duke nice to meet ya! How'd you like a bottle of wine? You drink don't you?  
  
Jack: DO I EVER!!  
  
Duke: Drat Manna checks the number of bottles everyday...  
  
Jack: Who What? where's my free booze?  
  
Duke: Drat Manna checks the number of bottles everyday...  
  
Jack: You already said that...  
  
Duke: Drat Manna checks the number of bottles everyday...  
  
Jack: AHHH SHUT UP KILLER ROBOT *flees to next room*  
  
Manna: Hello you must be Jack, I'm Manna, I work here with my husband Duke. Who's a no good slob...  
  
Jack: Then why did you marr...  
  
Manna: I have a daughter named Aja, she left the village though, I'm afraid that's not a happy thing. So are you out shopping today, would you like some wine?  
  
Jack: ye...  
  
Manna: Our wine is very special you know. Named after my daughter Aja. She was such a lovely girl...  
  
Jack: bu...  
  
Manna: I miss the old days when Aja was around. She was a pretty little thing. If only she were here today to help with the vineyard. So have you seen anyone else in the village? Don't only give gifts to pretty girls, people might start thinking things...  
  
Jack+Manna: Of course no one..AHHH SHE WONT STOP TALKING...would say that about you because you're such a nice boy.  
  
Jack: Kyia!!!! JUDO CHOP! *manna passes out on floor of winery(Manna's heart rate secretly loses 10 points. GASP!)  
  
ck: Crap where's that Duke guy, He'll tell everyone else what happened...  
  
Jack then notices Duke passed out in the corner of the Wine cellar, quite smashed. Jack: OK ok I'll hide the body somewhere..wait what if she's still alive? Oh well I'll just leave her here and hope for the best.  
  
Jack walks over to the Inn whistling a carefree toon, hands in his pockets  
  
Jack to himself: Look carefree that's it, and if trouble comes....LEAP LIKE TIGER!  
  
Jack enters the Inn and is greeted by Doug  
  
Doug: Hi there, what do you think of my daughter?  
  
Jack: WTF I just met her!  
  
Doug:...  
  
Jack: what? hey what's this box thing above my head? it says something...  
  
She's cute----  
  
Seems cheerful  
  
Jack: oh I get it you want me to choose one. Umm she seems cute!  
  
Ann: DAD!!! what are you talking about?!  
  
Ann: anyway hi I'm Ann nice to meet you  
  
Jack: Hi nice to meet you too!  
  
Ann: well see ya around  
  
Jack:...yea.  
  
To Himself: Damn she was cute! why didn't I hit on her? I think she likes me too. Maybe a gift would help.  
  
Jack: ooo I CAN'T RESIST!!!  
  
Jack leaps forward and dives into Ann's overalls. He is happy for one blissful second  
  
Ann: WAAAAAH!!!! (funny face she does when upset) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET OUT YOU PERV! (Ann's heart meter goes down 3 points)  
  
Jack: sorry I ah tripped...heh...heh  
  
Ann: YOU MORON! GET OUT  
  
Jack: oh right sorry...  
  
Jack hastily left the Inn.  
  
Jack to himself: That didn't fly too well...maybe I should give them some gifts first next time. And I know where to find those! At the vineyard!  
  
Jack returns to the vineyard...again...duke is passed out in the corner. Manna is tending to a massive neck wound  
  
Jack: Hi...heh...heh  
  
Manna: Oh hello again I don't know what happened I was standing here talking to you and then I fell, it was the oddest thing, I don't remember why.  
  
Jack: CANIHAVESOMEWINE?!  
  
Manna: oh right here you go...That will be 300G  
  
Jack: What's G?  
  
Manna: Our standard form of currency made in 1902...BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH....you do have enough right?  
  
Jack:...uhhh...  
  
Jack: Kyia!! JUDO CHOP!!(c)  
  
Manna falls unconscious to the floor...again. Jack Hastily grabs the wine and shoves it down his pants. Then he remembers he has a rucksack...but decides to keep it in his pants anyway.  
  
Jack: With booze no one can resist me! That Ann girl seemed a little tomboyish.. I'll head to the supermarket  
  
Jack enters supermarket  
  
Duke: I'll take this Jeff, just put it on my tab. *starts to leave*  
  
Jack: Duke! but you were just in the corner of the vineyard.  
  
Duke: What, you think I should pay?  
  
Jack: WHAT? I never said that what the hell are you talking about killer robot? Ahh DAMMIT it's another one of those boxes.  
  
You should pay---  
  
Do nothing  
  
Jack: You should pay!  
  
Karen enters. Jack is floored. It is love. He knows it. And no, that bump is not just the wine in his pants.  
  
Karen: Duke pay for it! Hi thank you for helping, you must be Jack, I'm Karen. Nice to meet you.  
  
Jack: ..Boo..Boo  
  
Karen: WHAT?!  
  
Jack: I mean I have booze! HERE  
  
Karen: Oh wow thank you so much!  
  
Jack: SCORE IT WORKED!  
  
Karen: yea I'll see you later.  
  
  
  
Chapter IV  
  
Jack was about to leave when.  
  
Jack: I..CAN'T..RESIST.UREGE.HEHEHE *foaming at mouth* Pretty!  
  
Jack dives into Karen's pants, and to everyone's amazement...she screams(sarcasm)  
  
Karen: waah what are you doing?!  
  
Jack pokes his head out from inside her pants and stares up at Karen  
  
Jack: Hullo, I really wouldn't think you'd go for black underwear  
  
Karen: *blushes* Jack GET OUT!  
  
Jack: yep yep...I'm going... but not without this bag of curry MUAHAHA!! HEHE come on curry let's split!  
  
Jack escapes from supermarket and runs blindly.  
  
Voice from behind him: Jack wait!  
  
Jack turns around and sees Karen out side of the supermarket.  
  
Jack: oh boy...ok Karen I'm really sorry, Ill never do it again...It's just that I've never gotten along well with women before...except for that one little girl when I was young...  
  
Karen: Jack...It's ok. I actually kind of..well.. enjoyed it...*blushes*  
  
Jack:??!!  
  
Karen reached forward for Jack's hand.  
  
Karen: I'm sorry for making a scene inside but my parents were watching. I like you Jack. I hope you're able to stay in the village.  
  
Karen gently kissed Jack on the cheek...then smiled and blushed. (Karen's heart meter secretly goes up 20 points)  
  
Jack: waaaahhhhhhhhhh...  
  
Karen: oh one more thing, do me a favor and go visit the harvest sprites kay ;) I owe Bold some flour.  
  
Jack: waaaaahhhhh....  
  
Karen flipped her hair behind her and ran back in to the Supermarket.  
  
Jack:...SPOONTASTIC! That was better then the inside of her pants! Well not quite...  
  
Jack ran off to the Harvest Sprite's house. Unfortunately that was not included in the Mayor's tour so he wound up in front of the church.  
  
Jack: hmmm this town has a very nice church, I wonder if I should go inside. heh why not  
  
Pastor Carter: Well hello there. The church has a basement, that's where I sleep.  
  
Jack: AHHHHH!!! CATHOLIC PRIEST! RUN!  
  
Jack fled the church and ran for the woods. He found a small house with an entrance just big enough for him to crawl through  
  
Jack: woah this is pretty ****ing trippy. Just like that crazy book Alice In Wonderland. COOL. WOAH MINI PEOPLE!  
  
Bold: Hello, Budum! We're the Harvest Sprites. Do you have flour for us?  
  
Jack: I do actually, Karen told me to give you this...*hands over box of flour*  
  
Bold: YAAAAAY, budum. Thank you! Please give some to the others too!  
  
Jack: but I don't have anymore...  
  
Bold: THEN YOU CANT PARTICIPATE IN THE SPRING TEA PARTY! GET THE **** OUT!  
  
Jack left.  
  
Jack: bunch of ****ing hippie stoner elves. God I gave them their flour, how much do they want?!  
  
  
  
Chapter V  
  
Jack left the sprite's house, turned, and walked to the beach. To his surprise he saw Greg the fisherman!  
  
Greg: I like to fish, you should try it some time. Would you like to fish?  
  
Jack: dammit another one of those boxes  
  
Yes---  
  
No  
  
Jack: sure  
  
Greg: here you go *hands Jack fishing rod*  
  
Jack: COOOLL. Now I can fish! Thank you Greg! Hey can I ask you something? How come you're the only bla...  
  
Just then something hit Jack from behind. And hard.  
  
Jack: oowww WTF was that?  
  
Karen: Heya!  
  
Jack turns over to see Karen sitting on top of him.  
  
Jack:......speechless  
  
Karen: I come to the beach often at night, how bout you?  
  
Jack: ummm I was unaware that it was night  
  
Karen: You silly why do you think it got dark?  
  
Jack: Oh crap! and I didn't do anything on the farm! Well at least I got a free bag of curry! *holds up shiny bag of curry*  
  
Karen: I like the sound of the waves at night. See you later  
  
Jack:....umm right, see ya Karen.  
  
Jack walked back to his farm in a confused daze. When he got home he decided to till the land that he had previously cleared. (see section one, chop chop dig dig)  
  
Jack happily tilled the soil and went to bed.  
  
Chapter VI  
  
Jack woke up in the morning to discover a pair of women's underwear upon his head. There was also a rather large keg of wine, which had been completely drained.  
  
Jack: WTF DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!  
  
Jack quickly takes the underwear of off his head and throws on his farm clothes. He hastily eats a dumpling then heads out the door.  
  
Jack: Dude, where's my horse? Dude I don't know dude, where's my horse? Wait I didn't have one nevermind...  
  
Karen: we'll look who finally decided to wake up  
  
Jack: WHA? where are you?!  
  
Karen: On the roof silly.  
  
Jack to himself: Ok this just doesn't make any sense. Either I'm dreaming this or this is a very twisted acid trip. I have to figure out what happened!  
  
Jack ran back inside. On the floor he noticed a shiny little bag....  
  
Jack: OF COURSE! IT WAS THE CURRY! That wasn't normal curry! It was LSD!  
  
Jack calmed down and eventually his head cleared. He saw that he was sitting on top of the table in his kitchen. There was no longer a keg or any form of underwear. Jack began his day.  
  
He was running low on cash so he decided to plant some crops. He headed of for the Supermarket. He then purchased three bags of turnips and stayed away from the curry. On his way back to the farm he decided it might be a good idea to buy Karen some more wine. Jack entered the Vineyard.  
  
Duke: Hello there Jack, How bout some wine. You do drink don't you?  
  
Jack: YOU WONT TRICK ME THIS TIME KILLER ROBOT! Kyia! JUDO CHOP!!(c)  
  
Duke fell to the ground. Jack noticed that none of his robot wires had been exposed...curious. ANYWAY Jack went in to the next room to find Manna  
  
Manna: Oh it's you out doing some shopping, would you like some wine?  
  
Jack: Yea sure 300G right?  
  
Manna: 500. (the negative 10 heart rate secretly fuels her inner rage raising the price of wine)  
  
Jack:...OK!  
  
Jack purchases the wine and then exits the Vineyard, carefully stepping over an incapacitated Duke.  
  
Jack returned to his farm and planted his turnips. He then noticed a strange man on his farm  
  
Jack: wah who's that man under the tree?!  
  
Shady Man: You moron I've been here all day! You had an event with me when you first left your house!  
  
Jack: so that's the voice I thought was Karen's...or something like that, whatever conveniently ties up plot..  
  
? Man: I've been resting under this tree all damn day because of you! You completely missed the event with Harris you moron!  
  
Jack: event? wha...? Who are you?!  
  
? Man: I'm Won you jack***! I sell seeds! remember?!  
  
Jack: YOU SLIPPED DRUGS INTO MY CURRY IN AN ELABORATE ATTEMPT TO GET ME HOOKED ON CRACK THAT ONLY YOU CAN PROVIDE YOU DIRTY SCUM *pant pant*!!  
  
Won:...Sure kid. Anyway I'm off to the Inn. Stop by sometime I have some good merchandise ;)  
  
Jack: Foreign drug dealing scum!  
  
Won leaves for the Inn. Jack noticed that there had been a lack of pants jumping today.. And he hadn't even gone to the vineyard! Oh well at least he had his turnips watered. Jack decided to call it a night. He then remembered something...The Inn turned into a bar!  
  
Jack: TO THE BAR! I wonder if they have call girls...  
  
Jack ran past chicken Lill's and Yodel farm and into the town square. What he saw amazed him. Lying on the ground was a pantless Karen!!(no she was not naked...I'm assuming they wear underwear. Then again Karen's pretty loose...)  
  
Pantless Karen: Jack oh thank god! You've got to help me!  
  
Jack: ah what exactly do you want help with...  
  
Karen: It was horrible, this man came and he was all over me and he took my pants and ran off into the woods when he saw you coming *breaks down into tears*  
  
WHO STOLE KAREN'S PANTS?! Was it...Won? Pastor Carter? Stu?  
  
The 1969 Denver Bronco's? Mephisto?  
  
Jack: Sshhh calm down it's all right now. Here put my overall's on, I wear a bathing suit under em anyway  
  
Karen: ..what? why would you...  
  
Jack: Don't try to talk just take it easy. Let's get you to the Inn  
  
Jack walked into the Inn with Karen in his arms. After a long explanation the villagers were shocked and out for revenge. They knew it had to be someone in the village. No one else had come to the town. Except....  
  
Won: HEY DON'T PICK ON ME BECAUSE IM CHINESE!  
  
Group response: We're picking on you because you're a foreigner you fool! It was you wasn't it!  
  
Won: Honestly I was here the whole time..heh...heh...guys?  
  
Doug: I saw you leave the Inn just a little while ago!  
  
Won: Well yes that was for...business matters...  
  
Doug: And where exactly did you go smart***?!  
  
Won: Ok Ok I was at the sprite's house handing out crack samples!  
  
Jack: HA THE CURRY WAS YOU!  
  
Won: Of course it was me you moron!  
  
Doug: Jack calm down, Won can anyone verify this?  
  
???:We can, budum!  
  
The sprites enter the room apparently quite high  
  
Bold: HEHEHE..YEA HE WAS WID US THE WHOLE BUDUM TIME RIGHT GUYS?!  
  
Sprites: ****in right he was budum!  
  
Jeff: Well then who could it have been?!  
  
Jack: I know let's search the woods since it couldn't have been anyone here!  
  
Doug: Did he just say something intelligent? Good god.  
  
The group split up into search parties. Jack was with Karen and Ann. They were about to give up for the night when they heard a noise in the bushes...  
  
Ann: AHHH JACK HOLD ME!  
  
Karen: NO HOLD ME! *rushes into Jack's arms*  
  
Jack: It was probably just the win...  
  
Out of nowhere a dark figure leaps on top of Jack knocking Karen to the ground.  
  
Jack: AHH WTF WHY DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO ME?!  
  
Jack threw the figure onto the ground and carried it into the light of the square. They all saw it and realized...  
  
It was a monkey. Holding Karen's pants. Mystery solved.  
  
Jack: Silly monkey why would you steal Karen's pants and attack me? HAHAHA oh well let's go to bed guys!  
  
Monkey's thoughts: DAMN IT YOU ****HEAD SHE WAS ALL MINE! I WILL HAVE HER OH YES! MUAHAHA EEEE EEE EEE!  
  
  
  
Chapter VII  
  
Jack awoke from his nice dream about Karen. There was something on his head. He was afraid to open his eyes.  
  
Jack: Please god don't let this be another complicated plot twist  
  
Jack slowly opened eyes just a tiny bit. He saw blue corduroy. He knew what they were. The question was the location of the girl that owned the pants. Jack took the pants off of his head and slowly looked around the room. There was no Ann. This seemed promising. He dressed quickly and ate a sandwich. He needed time to think.  
  
Jack: WTF DO I HAVE ANN'S PANTS?!  
  
Jack decided to head to the Inn to confront Ann. He grabbed the pants, stuffed them in his rucksack and left the farm. 10 minutes later...  
  
Doug: Oh hello Jack nice to see you again. Stay as long as you like.  
  
Jack: sure sure buddy now where's your daughter?  
  
Jack ran upstairs and saw Ann in a spare room cleaning.  
  
Jack: WHY DO I HAVE YOUR PANTS?!?!  
  
Ann: Oh no they didn't tell you?  
  
Jack: who wha...?  
  
Ann: The sprites! I gave them some crack to take my pants to your house for washing since you have a stream. You see they get kind of dirty after wearing them every day.  
  
Jack: My god that's actually a rational explanation. You pants shall be washed and returned shortly!  
  
Jack then notices something. He is talking to Ann and holding her pants...GOOD GOD SHE'S NOT WEARING PANTS  
  
Jack fled. Ann without pants was a bit too much for him right now. He went outside and collected his thoughts.  
  
Jack: Need more booze for Karen! I'll give her a gift everyday until she likes me yea! Too bad I can't make all the villagers like me.  
  
Jack's standing with villagers-  
  
Mayor:-10  
  
Manna:-10  
  
Duke: neutral(he's a robot remember)  
  
Karen:+14  
  
Doug:+2(for the Inn incident)  
  
Ann:+6  
  
Jeff:+7(for helping Karen)  
  
everyone else hasn't met Jack yet  
  
Jack skipped off to the Inn unaware of the volatile social issues surrounding him. Ignorance is bliss  
  
Jack enters Vineyard  
  
Duke: Hey how bout a glass of wine? You drink don't you?  
  
Jack: DAMN YOU KILLER ROBOT! JUDO CHOP!!©  
  
Duke: Darn Manna checks.*pop* fizzle Robot Duke falls dead on the ground  
  
Jack: HI MANNA I NEED WINE  
  
Manna:300G  
  
Jack: Hey wasn't it 500 last time?  
  
Manna: Yes it was but I decided after you found Karen that you couldn't be that bad of a guy so I decided to forgive you and lower the price of my wine down again so that I wouldn't be overcharging you. Aja liked wine so much it's a shame she left the village...  
  
Jack: JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN BOOZE! *hands over money*(he got it from mountain foraging every day ok?!)  
  
Manna: Here you are.  
  
Jack took the wine and was about to leave when he saw Karen enter.  
  
Jack: Karen! Hi!  
  
Karen: YAY I didn't expect to find you here! Now you can drink away your troubles with me!  
  
Jack: Actually I really don't have that many troubles.  
  
Karen: When I drink I'm able to forget all of my woes and leave my life behind.  
  
Jack: thank you for that in depth character information.have some wine gives Karen wine  
  
Karen: Why thank you Jack you're so kind! (heart rate at +19)  
  
Jack: Hey your heart turned blue!  
  
Karen: Oh look at that it did. Here you can have my pants now.  
  
Jack: WHA?!??!  
  
Karen: Oh it's village tradition. When a girl likes you a lot she gives you an article of clothing.  
  
Jack: But it's just blue! shouldn't you be giving me your pants when it's like pink?  
  
Karen: oh shut up and take the pants silly.  
  
Jack and Karen sit on the stoop of the vineyard drinking...Yes Karen still does not have pants on. She really is quite a troubled character....Rick walks by quite shocked.  
  
Jack: well today was fun but I have to go water my turnips so I can get some money. See ya around. And thanks for the pants.  
  
Karen Jack wait...  
  
Karen leaned in to kiss Jack on the side of the cheek again. Jack smiled and hugged Karen before he left. Then he ran off to the farm.  
  
Jack: Hooray turnips! You will be finished growing tomorrow! And then I will sell you or eat you!(Talking to plants is a good idea) MUAHAHAHA  
  
Jack watered all of his turnips and then decided to pick some flowers in the mountains and meet the other village girls. He grabbed as many pretty yellow ones as he could carry and then ran past got's house. He saw the big shiny chicken sign for chicken Lill's and went in.(ok yes technically there should be the fight between Rick and Popuri but that's just boring)  
  
Jack: WOW THERE'RE TWO GIRLS IN ONE HOUSE! COOL!  
  
Lilia: Hello I'm Rick and Popuri's mother. I haven't seen you around before. You must be Jack. My husband isn't here. He's looking for a cure for my sickness but I'm afraid that's not a happy thing(Ok someone tell me why she says it's not a happy thing. Who would think that's happy?!)  
  
Jack: Woah you're their mother? Cool. MILF  
  
Popuri: Hello I'm Popuri. I work here with my mother and brother. It's nice to meet you.  
  
Jack: here have a pretty flower *hands Popuri flower*  
  
Popuri: Oh thank you! hehe  
  
Jack: Oh screw it I can't break tradition. *Jumps into popuri's dress*  
  
Popuri: GYAIH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!  
  
Rick pulls Jack from under Popuri's dress.  
  
Rick: Hey what do you think you're doing?!  
  
Jack: Ahh I....shifty eyed glance fell. Yea that's it.  
  
Rick: OK that makes sense.  
  
Popuri: Oh yea well that's ok.(-dumb blonde(her hair is dyed)  
  
Jack: Yea well nice to meet all of you. I'll be going now heh.see ya  
  
Jack backed out the door and ran off into the night.  
  
Jack: TO THE BAR AGAIN!  
  
  
  
Chapter VIII  
  
Everything was quiet. Too quiet. Jack Didn't like the sounds he heard coming from the bushes. Wait what sounds? It was quiet...Anyway. Jack had a feeling that something was off. Something was not quite right in this peaceful little village. Something was amok. And then he saw it. A dark shadow looming in the distance by the entrance to Yodel farm. It was coming closer. And then Jack saw it was Ann.  
  
Ann: Hi Jack! I came to tell you that the Inn is having a special tonight.  
  
Jack: free booze?! better yet free girls?!  
  
Ann: Not quite. It's a 2 for one deal...  
  
And then it pounced.  
  
The Monkey landed squarely upon Ann's shoulders, gave a hoot of rage, shook it's monkey fists, And peed directly on top of Ann's head.  
  
Ann: GYAAAHHH!!!!! WHAT IS THIS THING JACK?! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!  
  
Jack took out his handy ax and slashed at the monkey perched on Ann's head in a pool of it's own urine. The monkey leaped from her head into the bushes, lost to the night.  
  
Jack: It's ok it's gone now, it was only a monkey.  
  
Ann: BUT HE PEED ON ME!!!!  
  
Jack: Let's go to the Inn and wash off your hair.  
  
Jack walked with Ann to the Inn. Everyone stared while the two walked Inn. Jack laughed and said...  
  
Jack: Haha it's ok everyone Ann just fell in the stream.  
  
group response: *Chuckle* *chuckle* ah haha  
  
Ann whispering: Thanks Jack  
  
Jack walked with Ann back into her bedroom where she washed off her hair. After it had dried Ann came out and went with Jack back into the Inn. Jack saw Karen over at the bar quite drunk but he didn't want to leave Ann's side yet. It would seem rude. Jack and Ann talked for hours(no time passed outside. Magic) Jack got quite drunk on free wine that Ann gave him. After a last farewell drink Jack walked outside with Ann.  
  
Ann: Jack thank you for helping me tonight...I...I want you to know how much I appreciate it. Ann wrapped her arms around Jack's waist and kissed him.  
  
Jack: Waahhhh...  
  
Ann smiled and walked back inside.  
  
Jack turned and saw that someone had been watching.  
  
Jack: Gyah! Karen, Stu, May, MONKEY!!  
  
Jack dives at the monkey who was standing by a lamp post. The monkey climbs up the lamp, stands at the top, hoots, and shakes his monkey fists.  
  
Jack: GET BACK HE MIGHT PEE AT ANY MOMENT!  
  
Karen: woooo *falls over* cow?  
  
Stu and May: It's a monkey! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...hahhaha...ha *both fall over*  
  
Jack: What is wrong with you people?!  
  
Jack notices that Karen has a wine bottle in her hand. That explains her, but what about Stu and May?! He looks closely at both of them and sees that each is holding a bag of curry!  
  
Jack: DAMN YOU DRUG DEALING CHINA MAN(no offence meant to other creeds, races, religions, etc in this story, I just happen to think that Won sells drugs.)  
  
Jack to Karen: Karen are you alright...do you remember what you just saw?  
  
Karen: Cow? I dwink and den I see cow...hehehe  
  
So Karen was no longer a problem. But Stu and May? Jack picked up both children and returned them to their proper homes assuring their families that they would be better in the morning. He returned to the outside of the Inn and carefully picked Karen up and carried her to the supermarket. In the distance he saw a figure approach. Jack thought this could look bad so he set Karen down in the bushes and waited for the person to pass. IT WAS KILLER ROBOT DUKE!  
  
Suddenly the monkey leapt from a bush, landed on Duke, did his monkey routine, and deposited urine on Duke's head.  
  
Duke: GYAH *pop* *fizzle* *sparks shoot from his head*  
  
Robot Duke falls onto the ground electrifying the monkey.  
  
Jack: that was pretty damn cool.  
  
He picked Karen up and carried her to the Supermarket's doorstep. He heard a noise behind him.  
  
Jack turned. He heard the air whistle past his ears as the monkey leaped forward, fangs bared. Jack quickly pulled out his sickle and went Neo style like in the matrix(ya know when he bends over backwards and the bullets go over him ya ya). The monkey passed over Jack and slammed straight into the door to the Supermarket. It quickly back flipped onto its feet and sprung at Jack again. Jack dodged to the left, doing a dive and holding his sickle out towards the monkey at the same time. The monkey was sliced clean in half by the sickle. Unfortunately things can't be sliced in Harvest Moon world and the monkey just yelped and ran for the bushes shaking his monkey fists.  
  
Jack stood and straightened his invisible tie. All in a days work. Jack heard Sasha and Jeff coming to the door so he quickly ran down the path back to his house to get some sleep.  
  
Jack woke at his usual time, ate an egg, and then headed out the door. He was greeted by a cut scene.  
  
Barley and May walk onto the farm.  
  
Barley: Jack, May is bored, can she stay on your farm?  
  
Jack: ah sure... Hey wait it's another one of those damn boxes!  
  
Send her to Ellen's----  
  
Tell her to go to the church  
  
Jack: NO STAY AWAY FROM THAT CHURCH FREAK! Go to Ellen's!  
  
Jack May and Barley walk over to Ellen's where they find Stu also bored.  
  
Ellen: I can't watch these children, take them to Pastor Carter.  
  
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT THERE! NOT THE CHILDREN! OH GOD NO HE'LL MOLEST THEM!  
  
The inevitable cut scene happened. Pastor Carter hastily agreed to take the children and ushered them into the church. As he did he glanced over his shoulder at Jack. There was menace in that look. Jack was sure.  
  
Jack returned to the farm and collected his turnips. YAY TURNIPS!  
  
Jack: Now I can make lots of money and buy lots of wine! YAY  
  
Jack smiled and went about his work for the day  
  
  
  
Chapter XIV  
  
Jack headed for the vineyard. No more Killer robot Duke. Jack was happy. Until he saw...KILLER ROBOT DUKE!  
  
Duke: How bout some wine, you drink don't ya?  
  
Jack: But you were electrocuted!  
  
Duke: Darn Manna checks the number of bottles...  
  
Jack: KYIA!! JUDO CHOP!(c)  
  
Duke fell to the floor....again. Some things just defy explanation.  
  
Jack went in to buy some wine from Manna. We will skip that conversation seeing as it is needlessly long and boring.  
  
After the vineyard Jack thought he might go check on Ann at the Inn. As he walked in he heard Doug call over to him.  
  
Doug: Hi Jack. I believe Ann's at the hot spring with the other girls, you can go find her there.  
  
Jack: Oh thanks....Wait how did you know I wanted Ann?  
  
Doug: Oh come on like you're gonna come in to talk to me or Harris. HAHAHA  
  
Jack headed off to the hot spring. As he started up the steps he heard loud splashes and giggles. He quietly walked up the last few steps, not wanting to scare the girls. Jack put his head against the boards and peeked through into the hot spring. GYAH THEY WERE ALL NAKED! ALL OF THEM!  
  
Karen: I love the trip to the hot spring it's the only time I can get my shirt clean.  
  
Ann: And it feels so nice and warm in the fall! hehe  
  
Popuri: Oh Mary you missed a spot on your back here. *scrubs Mary's back*  
  
Elli: Oh wow the mountain air smells so nice.  
  
Jack . . .Couldn't . . .Breath. . .  
  
AND THEN THE MONKEY LEAPED! Out from the branches and straight on to Jack's head sending him crashing through the boards into the hot spring.  
  
Jack: GYAH!!!!!!! OWWWWW!  
  
Girls: WAAAAAHHHHHHH WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?!?!  
  
ELLI: who the **** is that?!  
  
Ann: oh you haven't met Jack? He's quite nice.  
  
Karen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!  
  
Jack: I uhhh....ummm...  
  
Jack: Uh look I was defending you girls from this monkey that was attempting to steal all your clothes! If it wasn't for me, who knows what this monkey would have done! *holds up wet dripping monkey by the neck* It was a terrible fight! I chased him all the way from the Inn! He tore part of my arm out! And look at him now! He's dead!  
  
Elli: No he isn't  
  
Jack: ****! *holds wet monkey's head underwater* WHY...*gasp*...WONT...*pant*....YOU..*scream*...STOP... *GROWL*...LIVING! Jack pulled the monkey out of the water and stared at it. He couldn't tell for sure maybe he better be safe...  
  
The monkeys eyes twitched open. It gave a hoot of rage and then clawed it's way out of Jack's hands and made it's way into the woods shaking its angry little monkey fists.  
  
Jack: NO NOT AGAIN!  
  
Girls: Oh Jack you were so brave! Thank you  
  
Karen kissed Jack on the cheek. not to be outdone, Ann kissed Jack on the other cheek. Popuri smiled and kissed Jack's forehead. Elli smiled and grabbed Jack's ***. Ok that didn't really happen. Elli and Mary stood at a distance puzzled.  
  
Jack: You know you guys still aren't wearing any clothing.  
  
Girls: GYAH!!!!! *general scramble for clothes/towels*  
  
Ann: Jack get out!  
  
Jack: Ah yea sorry.  
  
Jack stood as water dripped off his rather soggy clothes. He knew what he had to do! After the monkey! Jack raced off following the monkey's path through the trees. Using his sickle he cut a path through the undergrowth following the monkey's footprints. Finally a clearing emerged. Jack was in the town. In the Vineyard to be precise. Standing facing each other, neither making a sound was KILLER ROBOT DUKE!! AND THE MONKEY!!!  
  
  
  
Chapter XV  
  
Jack's jaw dropped. The monkey and robot Duke were squared, facing each other. They both knelt down into a fighting stance. The monkey, a master of Jeet Kun Do(no clue how to spell) and duke, well duke just kinda had sharp robot weapons. They stood perfectly motionless.  
  
AND THEN THE MONKEY POUNCED! It aimed a high-flying kick straight at robot Duke's head. Duke back flipped as the monkey sailed over him and slashed at it with his sharp robot sword/arm. The monkey twisted in mid air to avoid the blow and landed back on the ground on his feet. The monkey gave what appeared to be a malicious grin, shook his monkey fists, and made cool karate monkey sounds. Duke kind of stood there. Being a robot he wasn't much for taunting the opponent. Especially a monkey...This time Duke made the first move. He lunged, sword/arm extended straight at the monkey's throat. The monkey jumped high into the air. Duke had already planned for this. He raised his blade straight up changing it from a lunge to a slash. The monkey just barely avoided a quick and sudden impalement. As he landed back on the ground a wound suddenly opened from his right arm. The monkey growled and attacked again. He threw a barrage of kicks to every level of Duke's body, aiming for all the pressure points. Sadly robots do not have pressure points. However, the kicks did massive damage to Duke's inner circuitry. The medal frame of robot Duke radiated electricity. The whole robot took one last shuddery step forward and then its head exploded.  
  
Victor-MONKEY  
  
Jack finally withdrew from the shadows and faced the monkey. He drew his scythe and prepared for a fight to the death. Suddenly Manna ran towards robot Duke. She cried and ran blindly to his side. Along her way she happened to step on a very small unnoticeable monkey. The monkey was crushed to death instantly. Jack saw his work was done. Manna cried out to him.  
  
Manna: WHY JACK WHY?!?! Why did he have to go?  
  
Jack: umm he was a robot...Who made him anyway?  
  
Manna: I did of course!  
  
Jack: ummm....why?  
  
Manna: Well who else would listen to my ceaseless yapping? My only companion...gone *sob* *sob*  
  
Jack: Why don't you errr..build another one?  
  
Manna:. . . OK!  
  
Jack left the carnage of the battlefield and headed to the bar. Along the way he saw Karen. He explained everything to her. She leapt into his arms.  
  
Karen: oh Jack you were so brave. Thank you for protecting me.  
  
Karen smiled up at Jack and kissed him lightly on the lips.  
  
Jack: GYAHAHH!  
  
Karen: Oh are you ever going to get used to being kissed?! *sigh* fine I'll just go back to Rick.  
  
Jack: bu...bu..but!  
  
Karen: ;)  
  
Jack had had an eventful day. It was time to head home.  
  
Chapter XVI  
  
Manna began the construction of another robot Duke. Jack was happy. He had his farm running smoothly, with 5 whole plots of cabbage, and he was getting along pretty well with the girls. Well most of them anyway. He was kind of indifferent to Elli and Mary. *funny fact* I run my farm and talk to the other villagers just like Jack does in this story. Somehow only talking to Elli and Mary on festival days I had a blue heart with them by winter which I plan on keeping that way because of the chocolate. All the other girls are pink. MUAHAHA. Right now back to the story...Jack hadn't had to deal with Killer robot Duke or the monkey for quite some time. He wasn't even sure where the monkey was. It had managed to run away after getting trampled. Jack's only worry was the upcoming cooking festival. He didn't have much of a kitchen. About the only thing he could make was spa boiled eggs. He decided to enter a spa boiled egg regardless. The day of the festival finally came. Jack grabbed his spa boiled egg and ran for the square. He was greeted by the mayor.  
  
Mayor: Hello, we're getting ready for the cooking festival here at 10:00. Please come back then if you have the time.  
  
Jack automatically ran back out, waited a second, then ran back in.  
  
Mayor: Hello, we're getting ready for the cooking festival here at 10:00. Please come back then if you have the time.  
  
Jack automatically ran back out again. He was getting a little annoyed. He waited another second and ran back in.  
  
Mayor: Hello, we're getting ready for the cooking festival here at 10:00. Please come back then if you have the time.  
  
Jack automatically ran back out.  
  
Jack: WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING THAT?! GASP!! HE'S A KILLER ROBOT TOO! KILLER ROBOT MAYOR! THE PERFECT DISGUISE! But what should I do..I can't Judo chop him now and I can't during the festival...too many people around. I will no doubt think of something clever eventually...Now to the festival!  
  
Jack ran in. He talked to everyone including the gourmet judge and the mayor. he entered his spa boiled egg and waited. Jack saw Karen and Ann had entered as well. Ann had a nice rice omelet while Karen had...A burned pile of crap? The villagers awaited the gourmet's reaction...  
  
Fat Humpty Dumpty like guy: And this years winner is...  
  
SUDDENLY FROM THE TREES SPRANG...THE MONKEY! He landed on the main judging table. He was wearing a black mask and black cape. He gave a cruel monkey laugh as he knocked each dish off of the table.  
  
Jack: Everybody get down! I'll take care of this scum!(how cool did that sound?!)  
  
Jack drew his sickle and faced the monkey  
  
Jack: Don't make me use this.  
  
The monkey shook his monkey fists and sprung at Jack's throat.  
  
As the monkey rushed towards him, ready to gnaw off most of Jack's extremities, Jack leaped for safety. He landed perfectly. Right where he'd planned. In Karen's pants.  
  
Karen: GYAAAAH NOT AGAIN!  
  
Jack: shhh the monkey will see me be quiet!  
  
Karen: Jack why did you jump in my pants of all places?  
  
Jack: It was an accident. Now be quiet or the monkey will eat you too  
  
The monkey wandered in and out of the judging tables, searching for Jack. As he passed by Karen Jack jumped out from his hiding spot and buried the hilt of his sickle in the monkey's furry little tummy. The monkey made a big "OOOOOFFFFFf" noise and fell breathless to the ground.  
  
Monkey: OOOOO EEEEE EEEE EEEEE! *angry hoots*  
  
translation-you dirty bastard. That was a cheap shot  
  
Jack: Ha that's right monkey, hoot all you want, I have won, fair and square.  
  
Apparently the monkey did not think so. He picked up a dish off of the table and flung it at Jack. It was Karen's burned pile of crap.  
  
Jack: NO NOT THE CRAP!  
  
Jack ducked and narrowly avoided what would have been the first burned pile of crap related death ever.(this excludes Michael Jackson's career)Jack warily took a step towards the monkey. The monkey picked up another dish and threw it at Jack. Jack pulled out his sickle and sliced the dish in half. Both parts flew past his head and crashed against the wall.  
  
Jack: You die now monkey.  
  
Monkey: EEEEEE EEEEEE OOOOO!  
  
translation-I like eating my own poo.(He's a monkey he's not that smart ok?)  
  
Jack threw his sickle boomerang style. It hit the monkey square in the chest. Unfortunately it was not the pointy part. The monkey was knocked back into the trees. Jack's sickle returned to him and the villagers cheered wildly. Ann, Karen, and Popuri came over to hug Jack. Kano made himself useful for once and took a picture. The village not only celebrated the cooking festival that day, but also the fight to save the food. (you see the monkey's plan was to take the food....I just forgot to add that in to the story. Pretend like I did)  
  
Story to be continued. 


	2. Jack and Cow part 2

Jack woke up. It was the beginning of Summer. Something was today. He couldn't quite remember.  
  
Jack to himself: Hmm is it sock day? No sock day was yesterday. Maybe it's wood chopping day? No that was yesterday too. Was it pants jumping day? No everyday is pants jumping day. IT WAS THE SWIMMING FESTIVAL! Of course!  
  
Jack dressed, ate some rice balls, and headed for the door. No crops to water today! AHAHA! Jack got some honey from the tree, randomly ate it, and headed for the square. By now he knew well enough to avoid killer robot mayor. He patiently waited outside the Yodel farm, checking his watch every minute or so. It was a loooooong two hours. Finally he was able to enter the beach.  
  
Jack: Hi everyone I'm finally here!  
  
Karen and Ann rushed over to greet him. They had bathing suits on.  
  
Jack: Hey I thought the swimming contest was only for men!  
  
Karen: Yea well we appealed to the mayor and now us girls get to compete too! hehe  
  
Ann: You're dead Jack!  
  
Jack: Well hey at least I get to stare at you in bathing suits.  
  
The girls rushed over to the water to warm up. Jack scoped out the girls in their bathing suits.  
  
Jack: hmmm Karen's wearing a nice solid blue two piece with a halter-top. Very nice. I'd like to jump into those pants...hahaha I'm so clever. Ann has a nice yellow suit that's pretty low cut...wow never noticed those...Ahem anyway Popuri has a flower suit. Big ****ing surprise there, the flower freak. She still looks pretty nice with her hair down though. Mary has a black one piece on. She's still pretty shy. Too bad she doesn't get contacts and flaunt a little more. Elli also has a one piece. She looks a little more confidant then Mary though. I haven't really noticed Elli much. She looks pretty hot. maybe I should stop in the clinic and say hi once in awhile.  
  
Jack walked around and talked to everyone. He was confident that he had this festival in the bag! Start time finally came. Jack lined up with the girls and the rest of the participants.  
  
Mayor Thomas (killer robot mayor): Ok here are the rules. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.  
  
Jack spaced out. He knew how to swim!  
  
Mayor: BLAH BLAH... Past that rock Rick's standing at!  
  
Jack to himself: Ok so I go to that rock. Wow Rick's really waving his arms and looking stupid...WTF is he waving a shovel? Oh well let's get this thing started!  
  
Mayor: Ready...Set...GO!!!!  
  
Jack Pushed off the beach and headed straight for the rock. He held his head under water the whole time. He was gonna make it! He knew he was! Jack touched the rock! He surfaced and opened his eyes.  
  
Jack: wha?  
  
He was floating touching the dock. He had swerved sideways and ran into everyone else. They were all floundering in a mess of arms and legs in the middle.  
  
Visual-  
  
.  
  
.0 ---Jack  
  
.  
  
. xoxox  
  
. xoxxoxo ---Tangle of bodies  
  
.  
  
  
  
Jack: Hey I could still win!  
  
Jack swam to Rick at top speed he touched the rock. He had done it! He won! The mayor called a stop to the contest. Villagers rushed over to untangle the mess of contestants. Everyone gathered back on the beach. As soon as everyone was together the fighting started  
  
Kai: Hey Jack that wasn't fair!  
  
Harris: Yea what's the big idea?  
  
Jeff: I was going to win this time! You cheated and messed us all up!  
  
Jack: Woah Woah now everyone. I just ahhh...heh...It was an accident?  
  
Kai: GET HIM!!!!!  
  
The villagers ran towards Jack. Jack backed up, turned and ran for the stairs. He suddenly changed course and bee-lined straight the other way. He leaped and landed. He was safe. Inside of Karen's pants.  
  
Karen: GYAAAAHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Jack looked around. Hey these weren't Karen's pants...He could see everyone staring at him. What was this blue thing he was holding? It was kinda wet. Jack looked up at Karen in puzzlement  
  
Jack: WAAAAHHHHHHH!  
  
Karen was naked. Jack was holding both parts of her bathing suit. Karen stood there frozen, a look of shock on her face. Jack stared. She...was...naked. Jack was the first one to say anything.  
  
Jack: Wow are those real?  
  
Karen unfroze and did the only thing she could. She pulled Jack up to block everyone else from view.  
  
Jack: Hey I'm really sorry about that.  
  
Karen grabbed her bathing suit, not saying a word. She slipped it on standing behind Jack and then stood.  
  
Jack: Hey really I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I hope everything's okay.  
  
Karen wound up and punched. Jack sailed high into the sky until he was a little shiny speck on the horizon.  
  
Jack: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH HEY DO I STILL WIN THE POWER BERRY?!  
  
Jack blinked out of existence.  
  
  
  
Jack fell back to the ground in front of Karen's feet. She picked him up, stood him up straight, and then punched the **** out of him again. Jack flew off over the horizon again and Karen ran off of the beach in tears. Everyone was stunned. They had seen Karen naked, who wouldn't be stunned?  
  
Jack landed on the farm.  
  
Jack: oww. That hurt a little. Oh well. On with the chopping and the digging!  
  
Jack chopped and dug. He wrote in his diary and went to sleep. Jack had a plan for the next day. Not only was he going to show Karen how sorry he was, he was going to uncover one of the biggest scandals in the entire town. Jack headed for the church.  
  
As he arrived he saw Stu and May enter. Perfect, just as he had planned (it's a good thing all the villagers keep the same schedule.) He climbed on top of the sprite's house, and then jumped onto the church roof. You didn't know Jack could jump did you? He leaned into the bell tower and peered into the church. He saw Stu talking to Pastor Carter. Stu seemed upset and then the Pastor put his arm around him.  
  
Jack: AHA!!!!! I KNEW IT! THAT CRAZY SON OF A BITCH IS A CHILD MOLES...  
  
Wumph. Something hit Jack from behind. Hard. He was knocked off of the church roof and plummeted to the ground, landing on his back. As he passed out he could have sworn he heard victorious monkey hooting.  
  
Jack woke up in a strange room. He had never been here before...It smelled funny. Like too much beer and throw up. It also had a pleasant smell though. One that reminded Jack of Karen's pants. Jack tried to sit up and look around. He couldn't. He felt a hand fall upon his chest.  
  
Girl's voice: Don't sit up. Take it easy.  
  
Jack: Where am I?  
  
Girl: It's me Karen. I carried you to my room after i found you on the church sidewalk.  
  
Jack: You carried me?! And wait a minute if I broke something you're supposed to not move me!  
  
Karen: Yea yea shut up this is a Natsume game, not real life. Here, your rucksack and clothes. *Puts rucksack on Jack's stomach*  
  
Jack: My clothes?  
  
Karen: Yea I had to switch your clothes, they were all bloody and smelled like monkeys.  
  
Jack: Wait a minute you saw me naked?!?!  
  
Karen: Yep I saw the little farmer. Nothing new to me don't sweat it. Oh and one more thing.  
  
Jack opened his eyes and saw Karen lean down to kiss him. As she did she moved her hand down his stomach...TO HIS PANTS?!?! She started to take them off and then.... Jack felt something hard thrown at his nether regions.  
  
Jack: OWWWWW WHAT WAS THAT!  
  
Karen: That's the power berry you won. They gave it to me. You're welcome.  
  
Jack: KAREN I'M SORRY! I really didn't mean to do that swimsuit thing...  
  
Karen: You're forgiven. Karen walked out the door and Jack went back to sleep.  
  
  
  
Jack stayed at Karen's all night. When he woke in the morning he felt much better. He had been lucky, he hadn't broken anything. The Doctor came by to see him at Karen's and told him that he should be all right. He shouldn't do much heavy farm-work though. Ha like Jack ever did heavy farm-work. He left Karen's the next day after thanking her for everything she had done. Jack went home to his farm and began work once again.  
  
About a day later Jack was bored. Nothing exciting had happened in a whole day! He was suspicious. Usually the Monkey, Pastor Carter, or some robot would create a hassle about every day or so. Jack decided he should check out the village to make sure he wasn't missing out on anything. His first stop was the hot spring. Well ok, he knew today was the girl's hot spring day. He told himself that he just better check on them to make sure nothing was wrong...  
  
Ann: Oh look it's a monkey in the hot spring!  
  
Popuri: Awww how cute! It's taking a bath! Let's go in with it!  
  
The girls undressed (luckily Jack was still at the bottom of the stairs, not watching) and stepped into the hot spring.  
  
Jack to himself: Damn I knew it! It's that monkey! He's going to try to rape them all!  
  
He had to do something, and he had to do it quick. He decided maybe a quiet stealthy approach was better then just running up there. Jack climbed up a nearby tree and crawled along a branch until he was over the hot spring. Then a minor problem occurred. They were naked. Jack liked naked...He was losing his grip and about to fall into the hot spring. He closed his eyes and hung on to the branch. He had to think of something!  
  
Popuri: aww such a cute monkey!  
  
Mary: Will he bite?  
  
Elli: Of course not! He's just a cute innocent little monkey! Look he's happy!  
  
Jack decided he had one option. He let go of the branch and landed in the hot spring sending a huge splash of water and causing the girls to scream.  
  
Elli: What the **** was that!?  
  
Jack: HAHA I'VE GOT YOU NOW YOU DAMN MONKEY!  
  
Jack stood up holding a very wet monkey in one hand. He quickly stuffed it in his rucksack (some things are better put in the rucksack then the pants).  
  
Mary: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! IT'S JACK!  
  
Ann: JACK GET OUT!!!!!  
  
Karen: DON'T YOU EVER LEARN? GET OUT NOW!  
  
Jack: Ahh haha I'm sorry but you see I was really saving you from this monkey! He was going to rape you! -_-;  
  
Elli: You ****ing moron! It was a ****ing monkey and it wasn't doing a thing! You just wanted to see us naked!  
  
Jack: NOT UH! Really! I was saving you from the monkey!  
  
Karen: I've about had it with you! Get out!  
  
Karen shoved Jack out of the hot spring. Jack called back to them over the wall.  
  
Jack: REALLY I WAS SAVING YOU!  
  
Elli: Is he always this brain dead?  
  
Popuri: Hehe maybe we trust him? ----Dumb blonde  
  
Jack felt pretty downtrodden and rejected. He had tried really hard to save them and they didn't appreciate it at all!  
  
Just then Mayor Thomas ran up to Jack quite out of breath.  
  
Mayor: JACK HELP! Get the girls and get going!  
  
Jack: Wha?! What's wrong?  
  
Mayor...  
  
  
  
Mayor: There's a monkey in my pants!  
  
Jack: Ummm...Wow ok first of all I don't swing that way, second of all I really don't need to know that, and thirdly for a robot you sure do seem excitable  
  
Mayor: No really I mean it! There's a ****ing monkey in my pants!  
  
Jack looked down at the Mayor's pants. They were kinda hard to see since the Mayor is a midget and all. Jack noticed that there were peculiar bumps and bulges moving around inside the pants. He decided that maybe the Mayor meant an actual monkey.  
  
Jack: JUDO CHOP!!!!(c)  
  
Mayor: AIIIIEEEEE!!!!!! THAT WASN'T THE MONKEY! *Mayor crumples on ground*  
  
A monkey leaped out of the pants and ran off into the woods shaking his monkey fists.  
  
Jack: right, uhh sorry about that and all...*Jack slowly backs away* Yea umm I'll be going now.... Must save the village and all that...*Jack turns and runs*  
  
Mayor: ****!!!!!!! IT HURTS IT HURTS!  
  
Jack entered the village. It was time to either kick some monkey *** or chew some bubble-gum. Jack was all out of gum. He upholstered his sickle and did a forward roll ending up right behind the corner of the blacksmith's shop. He spun left popping out from behind the building and throwing his sickle at the same time. It swooped up into a nearby tree. There was an audible thump as a monkey hit the ground. The sickle returned to Jack's hand. Damn wasn't that cool! He ran on towards the supermarket.  
  
Several dead monkeys later, Jack arrived. He figured Karen would have gone home by now to lock up and be safe with her family. The door was bolted shut. There was chicken wire wrapped around all entrances. The front windows were boarded up. The place was monkey proof. How was he going to get in? Jack went around back and climbed through an open window. Jeff was in the middle of the back room holding Sasha and Karen tight.  
  
Jeff: JACK! How did you get in?!?!  
  
Jack: oh I went around back.  
  
Jeff: But that's not possible!! There's an invisible monkey proof wall!  
  
Jack: No time to discuss this needlessly complicated explanation! We must fight the monkeys!  
  
Karen: Oh Jack I knew you'd come for me!  
  
Jack: Actually I just kinda wanted a sandwich, I'm all out of bread at home.  
  
Jeff: No time for a sandwich! Let's fight those damn monkeys! *Pulls out shotgun, pumps and loads*  
  
Jack and Jeff kicked down the front door and let all hell loose upon nearby homosapians...well besides people...Tricky how that works. Anyway, the monkeys were cleared out. Jeff and Jack made their way to...  
  
  
  
Jack: Look! It's a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade! (c)  
  
Jeff: Aww man a monkey just carried my wife into the woods.  
  
Jack: It's ok! Have a Mike's!  
  
Jeff: Hey thanks! *Jack and Jeff drink Mike's...elevator music plays.*  
  
5 minutes later-  
  
Jack: Ok let's chase that monkey!  
  
Jeff: HAHAHA you said dong!  
  
Jack: ...You really can't handle liquor well can you?  
  
Jeff falls over laughing. His shotgun hits the ground and fires, shooting through Jeff's foot.  
  
Jeff: HAHAHAHA...oww  
  
Jack: Let's go!  
  
Jack and Jeff run, well in Jeff's case hobble, off into the woods following a group of monkeys. They seem to be heading towards something...finally a clearing emerges.  
  
Jack: HOLY **** IT'S A VILLAGE OF SOCK PUPPETS! ...no it isn't never mind. It's that monkey king from the jungle book!  
  
King Louis: *starts singing monkey song from jungle book*  
  
Jeff pumps, aims and fires. Monkeys stop mid-song. They all turn to stare at Jeff and Jack. They charge. Jeff and Jack go back to back. Monkey carnage flies. Being a farmer sure is complicated. Jeff and Jack finish off the monkeys and search for the secret monkey-spawning device. They turn a corner and see.... MICHAEL JACKSON?!?!!  
  
MJ: Hello boys. You've found me. I'm the monkey-spawning device.  
  
Jack: But why Michael, why??!?!  
  
MJ: Well I figured hey, if I can be in Men in Black 2, why not Harvest Moon? It's my favorite game.  
  
Jeff: You know we have to kill you now.  
  
MJ: I know. Goodbye boys, goodbye.  
  
Jeff puts a bullet through MJ's oddly monkey like head.  
  
Jack: Wow that was an unforeseen plot twist.  
  
Jeff: Who wants apple pie?!  
  
The villagers: ME!!!!!!!!  
  
They all retire to the Inn for pie.  
  
Bet you didn't know Michael Jackson plays Harvest Moon. Well neither did I. But now we know. 


End file.
